Most people experience the loss of someone or something of great importance several times during their lives . When grief is related to loss of an experience, not a death, how do we grieve or cope?
micropreemie parents have a live baby, so there is no proof that anything was lost.
Society expects joy at the birth of a child, so the loss that parents of a newborn premature baby feel is confusing. The final trimester of a pregnancy is a time for the mother to prepare physically and psychologically for the birth. Since prematurity interrupts the natural order of a pregnancy with little to no warning, we are left to be shocked and confused.
Parents of micro preemies are shocked, saddened, and angered that their child is suffering from a serious medical condition and may die. However, they are unable to experience the emotions of grief to their full extent because their baby is alive. Parents do not know how to communicate and accept their grief because they were to be celebrating their child’s birth. This “ambiguous loss” results in a “joy-grief” contradiction.
Its hard for a parent of a micro preemie to truly understand what they are experiencing because of the complexity of being torn between mourning the loss of “normal” birth and celebrating a new life being brought into the world. Although the possibility of death and future health issues are present, we are unable to experience grief in its entirety because our children are alive.
This uncertainty of loss can make "ambiguous loss" one of the most distressful of all losses, leading to symptoms that are not only painful but often missed or misdiagnosed. People hunger for certainty, so perceiving a loss when a premature baby is alive makes parents “more prone to depression, anxiety, and relationship conflicts”
Because loss is confusing and people do not know how to make sense of the situation, they cannot problem solve. Preemie parents have difficulty identifying a problem because of the certainty of knowing their baby is alive, yet the uncertainty of the health and future of the child. The parents cannot immediately rationalize why they are grieving.
Micro preemie parents are unable to assume the expected
role of parent to a newborn after the premature birth due to the lack of attachment to their preemie, because of the
NICU technology.
People who are experiencing ambiguous loss are denied symbolic rituals, such as funerals, that ordinarily support a loss. When a new baby is born, parents are typically showered with cards, congratulations, visits from family and friends and a baby shower. The joy-grief dialectic complicates communication with family and friends. Family and friends do not know whether to react to the joy or grief involved. We are fortunate to have people who are supporting us and helping us though this difficult time.
Since the loss is ambiguous, it continues and the relentless uncertainty makes people physically and emotionally exhausted. People cannot start the grieving process because the loss really is not one; preemie parents both celebrate the birth and grieve the loss of a full-term pregnancy, not a “real” loss of a child., for the grieving is experiencing an unrecognized, internal loss that is difficult to communicate.
Few people can deal with persistent ambiguity for long because the stress is overwhelming. Ambiguous loss is devastating and can have lasting traumatic effects. But, with effective communication, support, and resilience people can use the experience to learn how to live in difficult circumstances throughout life, balancing the ability to grieve what was lost with the recognition of what is still possible. “Ambiguity can make people less dependent on stability and more comfortable with spontaneity and change.... With ambiguous loss, the task is to let go, to risk moving forward, even when we do not know exactly where we are going”
I want to take this moment to give a special thanks to those who, after 60+ days, are still reading this blog and thank you to everyone who has helped us out along the way. You are appreciated.
People who are experiencing ambiguous loss are denied symbolic rituals, such as funerals, that ordinarily support a loss. When a new baby is born, parents are typically showered with cards, congratulations, visits from family and friends and a baby shower. The joy-grief dialectic complicates communication with family and friends. Family and friends do not know whether to react to the joy or grief involved. We are fortunate to have people who are supporting us and helping us though this difficult time.
Since the loss is ambiguous, it continues and the relentless uncertainty makes people physically and emotionally exhausted. People cannot start the grieving process because the loss really is not one; preemie parents both celebrate the birth and grieve the loss of a full-term pregnancy, not a “real” loss of a child., for the grieving is experiencing an unrecognized, internal loss that is difficult to communicate.
Few people can deal with persistent ambiguity for long because the stress is overwhelming. Ambiguous loss is devastating and can have lasting traumatic effects. But, with effective communication, support, and resilience people can use the experience to learn how to live in difficult circumstances throughout life, balancing the ability to grieve what was lost with the recognition of what is still possible. “Ambiguity can make people less dependent on stability and more comfortable with spontaneity and change.... With ambiguous loss, the task is to let go, to risk moving forward, even when we do not know exactly where we are going”
I want to take this moment to give a special thanks to those who, after 60+ days, are still reading this blog and thank you to everyone who has helped us out along the way. You are appreciated.
This is so true and enlightening. It's hard to put into words how parents feel with preemie's. Thanks for posting
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